I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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