do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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