yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
