So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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