I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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