Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
