I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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