I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Boobs speak an international language.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
