i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I am morally bankrupt
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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