Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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