Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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