my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
