If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
