You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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