Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
