Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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