overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
