Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
