We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
