bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
