So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
