Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
