So drunk its hurt
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
