I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
