I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
