Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
