I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
