ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
