I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
