Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
