i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
