I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
