I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
