what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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