He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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