Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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