I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
