upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
