i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
