Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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