the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
