my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
