I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
