apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
