you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
