Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
