I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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