one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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