there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
