Just took my morning after pill in the library
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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