I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
