i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
