I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
