Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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