I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im six kinds of drunk right now
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
